Once upon a time there lived
a fair maiden, fairer than the word fair itself. The perfect ingénue who fell
in love with a charming prince. Little did she know that the prince was a
wicked man, a beast, a man who was a disgrace to the male population. The girl
was, however, irrevocably in love with him. One not so fine day, he broke her
heart, it shattered into a thousand pieces. Her friends were all worried on how
to take care of her, and then, a miracle happened. They read this very scroll
that you are about to read;
Yes, I am back, yet again with another piece of advice! As we all know, Valentine's day was yesterday. A day of love, cheer, affection, passion and compassion (yeah right..). To be honest, it is just an excuse to eat expensive food and make an ordinary Tuesday happy by making it feel special. I was going to post a love story, since it has been really long since I did, but I couldn't fathom anything without either putting in a lot of pain or magic. So, I decided to talk about breakups..I know, I should have waited. Sorry in advance for killing the Romantic vibe.
As you all know, breakups are pretty common, especially among those little brats who don't listen to your parents, and go in relationships. From my previous articles it is crystal clear that I detest this ideology. But, of course, even though I am against it, I shall make it clear that I am a normal girl and I do crush on people, and have never been in a relationship, please follow my example. I guess three paragraphs is a pretty long introduction, so without wasting more time I shall begin!
First, one must know that the victim must be handled with a lot of care, the victim is very sensitive and emotionally unbalanced. So, to stabilize the emotional status, you, as responsible friends must dispose of all the belongings of the one called the dreaded Ex. The belongings and mementos may include some gifts, accessories or even a stinky sock perhaps.
Second, I like to call this step, 'clearing the junk and making room.' Let me elaborate. This step is devised in two phases.
Phase 1: De-clutter
This includes deleting pictures, number and also the songs that remind the victim of the terrifying Ex.
Phase 2: Re-clutter
This includes filling the victim with junk like a tub of ice cream or new shoes, regardless that the victim may have hundred other pairs, you need to love the victim and make it feel special.
Third, I have no name for this step but what it consists of is being a patient listener. This is the most difficult of all, you have to deal with the sobbing, wailing, screaming and emotional parkour (mood swings.) Let me warn you, that your t shirt may be used a tissue.
Fourth, burn down the pictures, one by one, and instead of de-cluttering you can burn or flush down the belongings. Make sure the victim is with you when you are doing all of this.
Fifth, make the victim listen to BMTH (bring me the horizon) and Nirvana, because believe me, a bunch of screaming kids, drums and electric guitar make AMAZING music.
DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT, let the victim listen to Taylor Swift.
Sixth, this is the most exciting step, if you have followed the above steps correctly, then your victim is boiling with rage, and now its time for revenge. It is one of those proud moments watching the victim screaming curses over the phone to the Ex, you created that monster, you should be super happy.
Lastly, not a step but certain ideas for revenge
- You can shave off their eyebrows while they are asleep.
- You can be a pretty good vandal.
- Putting glitter in the A/C vent of the car, always works and is super fun.
- Prank calling the parents.
- Praying they step on a lego.
- Scribble in the notebooks.
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